THE LONELINESS OF MORALITY, PART TWO: A LOVE STORY

Love is a tricky thing. 

As we continue from my last posting, I ended with the implication that I was going to divulge some sensitive information of a personal nature. 

I was. 

I am not. 

Let me tell you why: Because it may hurt another person involved. 

However ...

I feel comfortable addressing this particular issue on a general basis. This notion of loving - or feeling an emotional connection to - another ... when a long-time partner is incapacitated, or deceased. 

Is it cheating? Yes? No? 

Hence our title, "The Loneliness of Morality (Part Two): A Love Story" ...


I recently came across some of the most beautiful and inspiring words written by the poet Merrit Malloy. They express, better than can I, the sentiments that my late wife, Anna, and I spoke to each other about during her final days. These words reflect my own views that the death of a loving partner should not end the love affair, but rather take it to a higher plain:


When I die
If you need to weep
Cry for someone
Walking the street beside you.

And when you need me
Put your arms around others
And give them what you need to give me.

You can love me most by letting 
Hands touch hands, and 
Souls touch souls.

You can love me most by
Sharing your joys
Multiplying your good deeds.

You can love me most by
Letting me live in your eyes
And not in your Mind.

And when you say Kaddish (a prayer) for me
Remember that our Torah teaches,
Loved doesn’t die
People do.

So when all that’s left of me is love
Give me away.


As this area of life began to interest me more and more, I naturally began to think about my own situation and what my personal thoughts really were. After all, I had a most remarkable 30-year relationship with Anna, who had passed away just a few months prior to the start of this Book.

She was my beloved, and I shall never again meet anyone like her. 

But do I love again and accept someone new on their own terms? 

Should I love again? 


As I now live in an assisted living center, I am often kidded by friends who ask me how I handle being around so many single women. I would respond, simply, that the thought never enters my mind - which for a long time it did not.

Maybe things now have changed. I'm certainly more open. But ... I'll know it when I get there. 


Here's a joke for you. We'll call it, "The Other Side":

Mary was close to 60 years of age and Joe was in his 70's. They had been married for 35 years. One night, Joe said to Mary, “Do you realize that some 35 years ago I had a low-rent apartment, a small compact car, I slept on my couch and watched a small TV set, and whenever I wanted to I could sleep with a sexy young blonde? Now we have a big home, a king-sized bed, the latest widescreen TV but I am sleeping with a 60 year old blonde. You know, if you go first ..."

Mary thought about this for a moment and then responded by saying, “Sweetheart, I'll haunt you. You go out and find a sexy young blonde and I will see to it that you once again have the low-rent apartment, small car, a couch to sleep on and a small TV ..."

Well, not everyone it seems can accept future affairs of the  heart ...


When I made the decision to move into an assisted living center, the last thing that was on my mind was romance and companionship. Due to my leg problem, walking was difficult. Also, I had just lost my wonderful wife and my life pattern was changing.

And ... because I am still quite independent, I found living among a group of persons who were mostly more confined - whose lives had slowed down for both physical and memory issues - challenging.

I did meet several women with whom I began social relationship, one of which was a bit more involved, but nonetheless each was warm in their own way.

But none of them was Anna. 

As I got more involved, it became harder to maintain these relationships because, as I sadly discovered, even though you have lived a life filled with trusting and loving friendships, when you live in a “closed environment” such as an assisted living center, you become suspect of others' intentions.

It took me some time to realize that instead of trying to blend in, I needed to be myself. Thus, my life at 84 has once again reinvented itself and I continue to grow, as I make new and wonderful relationships throughout my new community.

I believe that Anna’s love, some day, will reside in the heart of another, just as I believe mine may as well. 

It is what she would have wanted for me. 


Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.