ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

One is the Loneliest Number 

“She built herself a little house,

All walled about with Pride:

Took Prudence as a servant,

And locked herself inside.

She drew the blinds down tight as tight,

When sorrow chanced to roam.

Experience called – she sent down word

That she was not at home.

Then, wherefore, should she now complain

And wherefore, should she sigh,

That Life and Love and Laughter

Had passed unseeing by?"

Two events of this past week enabled the subject of today’s blog to hit me in the face:

a) The sudden death of a dear friend who took his last breath while out to dinner with his wife; and

b) a 'Letter to Amy', the current Ann Landers of the printed news, in which the writer told how lonely he was since the passing of his wife, and suggested that he needs people around him - but apparently has no friends - only a dog - to help him through his ordeal.

The lesson to be learned from these events is that as we take the journey through life we should never forget the importance of building loving relationships with others. 

We are all human; we all need it. Loneliness, unfortunately, is all-too-natural -- and perhaps inevitable. But, until we get there ... 


In the events I have described, the wife of my friend - who along with her husband were at my side constantly throughout my own wife Anna’s ordeal and afterwards - have continually, along with an unbelievable cadre of other friends, made sure that I am not alone.

The writer of the letter obviously, as so many widows and widowers have told me as I write my book, never took the time to establish meaningful relationships, and instead built a wall around themselves and the world.

As  I myself have learned, we live at a time when our relatives are aging, our children often do not live close to us and we are longer involved in business relationships.  Many of our friends are ill and coming to life’s end; if we have not begun at an early age to establish much-needed friendships, we to will be sad and lonely as we travel our last miles.

So, plan your life early, never let go of relationships that are meaningful and be there for them when they have a need, as you would want them to be with you during happy, as well as lonely, times of your life. 

Remember, a friend is someone with whom you can get undressed emotionally.


Read on ...

Dear Ann,

Over the years I have derived a great deal of pleasure from your column, and as a physician I commend you for the fine job you do in the health field. 

Here is something that a friend sent me in the mail recently. I don’t know who wrote it, but it gave me the best laugh I’ve had in a long time. I hope you will share it with your readers.

Your Friend (Name omitted for ethical reasons)

WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy”.’ I call mine “Sex”. He’s a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said “I would like one too!” Then I said, “But this is a dog.”He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old.” 

He winked and said “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.

He said “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do.”

I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” 

The clerk responded, “Funny, I have the same problem.”

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said. “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.”

He said “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “This court is not a confessional. Stick to the case please.”

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came by and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?”

I told him “I was looking for Sex.”  

My case comes up on Friday.

I don't know what the moral of that joke is, other than, maybe: If you're feeling lonely, get a dog. 


A note to my Blog readers:

If you my Blogs are meaningful to you pleases share them with your friends on Facebook and other social sites. The more persons who read them, the better and more successful our publishing endeavors will be.

Many thanks,

Bernie Otis

Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, or a personal story about life and aging, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.

THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF THEM ALL

What is the most important decision that we must make in our lifetime?

The Minister of a Methodist Church in Wisconsin was invited to give a speech at a local Rotary Club. The topic was “Marriage and Sexual Relationships.”

He was sitting in his home office writing the speech when his wife walked in and asked him what he was doing.

He told her he was preparing for a talk at Rotary and she asked him what the topic was. Not wanting to tell her the real topic, he said it was about "sailing boats." She was surprised, but said nothing more and quietly walked away.

Several days after the speech had been given, she was in the market shopping when a man called out to her: “Ms. Miller, hi! I am Larry from Rotary and I want to tell you that the speech your husband gave was the best I have ever heard”.

She said, “Really, I am amazed.” He asked her why, to which she responded, “He has only done it 3 times. Twice he got sick to his stomach and once he fell off the boat.”

What can I say? A bit of laughter is always good before the serious stuff.

And now ... the serious stuff. 

Decisions, decisions ... decisions. 

Every day of our lives we are faced with making choices that will determine our daily and long-term well-being and happiness.

Where should I get my education? What career should I pursue? What help do I need? Where should I live? Am I in love? What do I do about my health situation? Etc.

Sadly we are also faced with life and death decisions of not only our own, but those of our loved ones as well.

Not until I began research on my book, and at the same time began my own experience living in an assisted living center surrounded by the aged in various stages of their journey, did I realize the singlemost important and agonizing decision individuals, as well as their loved ones, have to make. This decision is not whether to pull the plug ... but when is it essential to give up our independence before we hurt ourselves or a perfect stranger.

Let me share a real life situation:

"Maria" is an active woman in her early-eighties, sweet, attractive and full of energy; she just cannot understand nor remember what is going on around her or what happened five minutes ago.

When I met her last year, she had just moved into my assisted living center and was still driving her car (I could never understand why nobody stopped her). She had family close to where she lived and appeared normal in every respect other than being in a fog.

I found myself helping her with various things including finding her room at all hours of the day and night and finding her keys and so forth.

One day (it was 95 degrees outside), she called me and told me she was locked in the back seat of her car, which was parked in front of a major shopping center. I phoned the police, the fire department, AAA and the department store security, and immediately went to where she said she was parked.

Without going into more detail, we got her out, and I drove her back to her residence and tried to reach her family without much success. She had misplaced her keys. Eventually, we found the keys, brought the car back and finally her family reluctantly took the car away.  

Back to the issue of independence. Almost daily we hear of innocent persons being killed by elderly drivers who should not be behind the wheel of a car.

Someone needed to make this decision for her. She got lucky, as the decision was made very late. 

Let me close today’s message with this thought:

Of all of the five senses, “seeing” is the most important - even if you are, technically, "blind."

When we walk into a roomful of people, we “see” what is happening (and, if you are blind, the other senses compensate to form the equivalent of vision - in my opinion; "seeing" is a metaphor). When we wake up in the morning and look at the sky we “see” how beautiful the sky is. Likewise, when we look at a person of any age we can “see" what they are like and what mood they are in, and what needs they may have. When we "see," and we do, our aging loved ones having difficulty walking, remembering, in pain, etc., you are guilty of neglect if you ignore the symptoms. If you do ignore these symptoms, and are not willing to understand the danger of these situations, the fault if something happens - qute honestly - is yours. 

We must all be alert and prepared to act when we “see” the danger ahead.

I will say it one more time, in another way. If I get "blue in the face," so be it. The most recent studies on aging, death and dying clearly confirm that as many as 70% of the crippling injuries and serious illnesses resulting In death are due to falls by the elderly. These falls are most frequently followed by long hospitalizations - and often death - due to pneumonia. All of this is a ramification of failure to recognize and act on the need to give up one’s independence.

Remember, our journey from life to death can end prematurely if we fail to "see" the obstacles in our roadway, or not making the decisions necessary to avoid them. 

Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.

I'M DYING. NOW WHAT?

Have I left enough for my family, or other loved one(s)?
Have I made a difference in this world?
Could I have done more?
Have I helped enough people?
Have I treated people well?

Have I had enough s--?

A 78-year-old man was having some problems and he went to the doctor. The doctor said he needed to get a sperm count and gave the man a jar to fill up, telling him to bring it back the next day. The next morning he returned the jar to the doctor and it was empty. The doctor asked what happened and the man said he had a terrible time and could not do anything.

He said he tried with his right hand and then his left. He called his wife to help and she tried with her left hand, her right hand and her mouth ... nothing. They called in the lady next door  - the doctor asked, “You did what?” - and the man said she tried with her left hand and then her right, but they could not get the jar opened.

Okay, okay. I couldn't resist!

And no, before you get nervous ... I'm not dying. Yet. Not really.

Doctor says I'm healthy as an ox.


But, just this morning, I had a conversation with a friend. This friend got me thinking.

He told me business is slow. He will need to start pulling from his retirement accounts to keep his business afloat.

He said his cost of living now exceeds $250,000 a year, including taking care of his two children.

My friend is 60 years old.

He worries about his wife. He worries if he planned - there goes that word again - well enough.

His greatest fear is: "I've saved money and have a good life insurance policy for my children. But I worry that they are not self-reliant. How do I know they will be capable of earning on their own once their inheritance runs out?"

And so it goes.


With apologies to Disney's "Beauty and the Beast," my friend's tale is "as old as time."

I write these blogs and keep pounding home the same point: Plan! PLAN!!

Understand, however, that planning in itself is a life-long process.


My friend is like me. He doesn't fear dying so much. And he still has goals, both professional and personal.


I still need to complete my book.

He still needs to get his affairs in order. Though, I admit, he is further along than most.

Planning needs to be part of your day. It's just like brushing your teeth, taking a shower.

Keep a journal. Or keep a log of some sort. Write down every way you planned, every day.

Remember, the sum total of all your efforts will cumulate into something wonderful, and necessary.

In that event, the seeds of your planning will bear fruit, that will protect your loved ones for generations to come.


In closing, keep setting goals as well. It may well help you live longer ... which will give you more time to plan.

Have I made myself clear?


Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.

YOU DON'T HAVE LADY GAGA'S MONEY. NOW WHAT?

Shortly after an elderly white-haired woman visitor left their home, a young girl said to her mother: “If I could be such a beautiful, sweet, and lovable person I would not fear getting old.” To which the mother replied, “If you really want to be that kind of an old woman, you had better start now. She does not seem to me to be the kind of work that was done in a hurry."

David’s grandfather was something of a philosopher and never missed an opportunity to give out bits of advice to his grandson. One day he said, “Remember David, fools are certain, but a wise man is hesitant.” David then asked his grandfather, “Are you certain Grandpa?” Patting David on the back the grandfather answered, “David, I am absolutely certain.”

So ... 

Why do I write about the aging process, and then tie it together with the subject of "youth?" Well, maybe it is because when most people hear about "aging" and "preparing for death," they think that only old people die. 

Huh?

During this past year alone, the media has been reporting on car crashes, serious and rare diseases, murders, violence etc., and the majority of these incidents involved the death of young persons under the age of 30. 

Wow.

WOW! 

Consider this:

Howard was a wonderful young man who, from his earliest years, wanted to be an engineer. He studied hard all through high school and went on to a major University. This, despite the fact that his traditionally-oriented parents did everything possible to get him to change direction.

No matter. He graduated with honors.

He married his high school sweetheart, had two lovely children and was on his way to a great career. He was one of my dearest friends. The day after my father passed away, he and his wife came to visit me and he was fine.

Several days later, I learned that he was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital to determine what had happened and he told me that the day after he visited with me he had suddenly become quite ill. He was diagnosed as having a terminal kidney disease, and died 60 days later at the age of 32. In tears, we held hands the night before his passing.

I'll leave it to you to figure what happened to his family. Needless to say, they weren't all that far down "Preparation Road."

Remember ...

If one wants to become successful in any field of endeavor it requires preparation, an education - be it formal, on the job, or in specific trade type school - and goals. 

My friend had goals. Unfortunately his family was left without him. 

Did he plan at that age? Did he not? Again, while you figure out the options, here is my thought on the matter: 

Never wait until it is too late. Plan as soon as you have the ability to do so. 

Chances are, Lady Gaga has more money than you ever will. She will do just fine, thank you. Going to a Lady Gaga concert may be great once, twice ... who am I to say? But take some of that time and money and - to enjoy life's journey to its utmost - get ready, get set ... and go. 

Be smart, whether you are young or old, and have a wonderful weekend ...

Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.

OLD MAN OTIS' SECRET REVEALED: "AND THE MEANING OF LIFE IS ..."

A short blog today. No jokes, pretty straightforward. 

I promised to disclose the "secret" to a happy and meaningful life. 

But first, please welcome the arrival of my new great granddaughter, seven pounds of beautiful - Caroline Partin! What better way is there to begin a blog on the Meaning of Life?!

May she have a world of happiness and good health ...


In that spirit ...

If you knew that this was going to be your "last" day of life, how would you spend it?

But wait! Didn't we cover this ground last week? Yes we did. You see, the "secret" has been in front of you all along.

As for me:

If I knew when I was going to die I would get up on my last day, and ...

Tell my close family and friends how much I love them;

Help a person(s) in need;

Do something that I always enjoyed;

Return to my home and spend my last hours in the arms of the woman with whom I have an emotional and meaningful love.

But, even if I did not know this was going to be my last day - this is how I want to live so as to have a happy and meaningful life until the end.

That is a reminder from my last posting.

And that, my friends, is the meaning of life. My "secret," if you will.

Doing whatever it takes to live a happy and meaningful life.


It is sad to watch so many of those we love and care for suddenly finding themselves, along with their families, faced with the realization that death is inevitable and they are resolutely unprepared.

"I have lived my life, made my mistakes, tried to atone for them and dedicated myself to helping others. That is what I do now each day."

These are the most profound words that I know on this subject. They were written by one of, if not the, most respected scholars and teachers - Rabbi Joshua Heschel in his “Man Is Not Alone”. He continues:

“The deepest wisdom man can attain is to know that his destiny is to aid, to serve ... This is the meaning of death: the ultimate self-dedication to the divine. Death so understood will not be distorted by the craving for immortality, for this act of giving away is reciprocity.  Man’s part for God’s gift of life. For the pious man it is a privilege to die.”

Each one of us, from the time of our birth, has an opportunity imbedded in our minds and hearts regarding the concept of choice. The choice of being able to do good or evil, be strong or weak ... to change the course of our lives and achieve a high level of happiness.

The choices that we make will determine whether, when we reach our final years, we will just give up and quietly await our last breath, live out our final years in anger over the process of aging or, despite our physical, mental and past experiences seek meaning every day of our existence.


In past blog postings I described the beautiful marriage I had with, and the devastating loss of, my beloved Anna, who inspired me to write these words. What I did not mention was my own personal experience that followed shortly after her passing.

I live in constant pain, suffering from various physical ailments, and I am unable to live alone. I chose to move into a Retirement/Assisted Living facility so as to not be a burden to my children.

In making this move, I was able to continue following my business profession as well as community work, which has been a long-time commitment. I did not consider having or wanting a social life, as I was quite happy with the beautiful memories of the past.

What I did not expect was to suddenly find contentment and happiness living not only with a group of physically and emotionally impaired wonderful individuals, as well as many who are,  like myself, alert, socially active and for similar reasons as mine slowly moving on with their lives.

In addition, because I am determined to live my life in a positive manner, I found that despite many obstacles there are individuals with whom we can befriend and confide in, and even love, when that warmth cannot always be shared.

This blog comes from my heart, and I believe that each person - as they reach this period of life - can feel that excitement just as a blind person who cannot see, but can feel love and does so on a daily basis.

In closing, I urge you, the reader, no matter where you are on the road of life to stop and take inventory of who you really are and how you can begin to live every day of your life as if it were the last. In the final analysis we are given the choice of living until we die - or accepting death before we die.

“A man should hear a little music, read a little poetry and see a fine picture every day of his life, in order that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.

MY MYSTERIOUS SECRET ...

Good Morning. 

I received an amazing response from my last posting, which ended thusly:

We can indeed make our tomorrows better than our todays. You see, I have discovered the secret that will allow even the most infirm among us to do exactly that ...

Phone calls from friends, emails, social media postings ... radio and television interview requests ... it apprears that everyone wants to know this incredible secret. That everyone needs to know this incredible secret. How can this man - Bernard Otis - who is going to be 85, continue to live a life of happy, thriving tomorrows?

The nerve!

What is this incredible secret that the world must know?

NOW??

Well ..? 

One more week. Promise. 

You need to be fully aware, you see. 

Enjoy your holiday, begin your diets on Friday so you'll be ready to pay attention on Tuesday!

In the meantime, I wish you all a very Happy and Healthy Thanksgiving ...

Your Friend, 

Bernie

Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.

FINDIING LIFE'S MEANING

A young couple gets married and goes on a honeymoon. Upon their return she calls her mother, who asks her daughter how she enjoyed the trip. The daughter tells the mother that it was wonderful, that her husband treated her like a queen and made exotic love to her constantly.

She then begins to cry. The obviously concerned mother asks her daughter why she is crying. She replies, “Since we got back it has been terrible. He hollers at me and uses offensive four-letter words that I have never heard before”.

The mother asks, “What kind of four-letter words?” Her daughter responds “Iron, Cook, Dust, Wash.”

If you knew that this was going to be your last day of life, how would you spend it?

Would you iron, cook, dust and wash? Would you tidy up your affairs for your loved ones? 

Would you attempt to live out your wildest dream, or passion?

There is no right or wrong answer. 

There is, however, Bernie's answer: 

If I knew when I was going to die, I would get up on my last day and:

Tell my close family and friends how much I love them;

Help a person(s) in need;

Do something that I always enjoyed;

Return to my home and spend my last hours in the arms of the woman with whom I have an emotional and meaningful love.

But even if I did not know this was going to be my last day - this is how I want to live so as to have a happy and meaningful life until the end.

I can hear it now:

Awww ...

But I've never spoken truer words ...

Death is, without question, a sad subject that nobody wants to discuss, but one which we all will sooner or later need to be prepared for. Doesn’t it make sense, therefore, to talk about it and make plans to deal with it before it is suddenly thrust upon us and creates chaos for everyone involved?

And doesn’t it also make sense to discuss how we can go on enjoying life to its fullest and not die before our time, by planning ahead and setting realistic goals for doing just that when the aging process begins to take its toll?

Recently, a friend asked me if I was ready to die. Up until that moment the truth is that I really had not given a great deal of thought to it. Over the next few days I seriously pondered the question and my answer is yes - I know my time will come and that other than taking reasonable good care of myself and moderating my activities there is not much control I have over the matter. So, why should I worry about it?

I have lived my life, made my mistakes, tried to atone for them and dedicated myself to helping others. That is what I do now each day. Probably the most profound words that I know on this subject were written by one of, if not the, most respected scholars and teachers I know - Rabbi Joshua Heschel in his “Man Is Not Alone”:

  

“The deepest wisdom man can attain is to know that his destiny is to aid, to serve God. This is the meaning of death: the ultimate self-dedication to the divine. Death so understood will not be distorted by the craving for immortality, for this act of giving away is reciprocity; man’s part for God’s gift of life. For the pious man it is a privilege to die”

Each one of us, from the time of our birth, has imbedded in our minds and hearts the choice of being able to do good or evil, be strong or weak, and to change the course of our lives and achieve a high level of happiness.

The choices that we make will determine whether, when we reach our final years, we will just give up and quietly await our last breath, live out our final years in anger over the process of aging or, despite our physical, mental and past experiences enjoy every moment of our remaining existence.

Remember, though it is a truism that circumstances sometimes prevent one from that living this ideal life, let's never lose sight that tomorrow may be better than today.

Because we can indeed make our tomorrows better than our todays. 

You see, I have discovered the secret that will allow even the most infirm among us to do exactly that ...

To be continued ...

Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.

THE LONELINESS OF MORALITY, PART TWO: A LOVE STORY

Love is a tricky thing. 

As we continue from my last posting, I ended with the implication that I was going to divulge some sensitive information of a personal nature. 

I was. 

I am not. 

Let me tell you why: Because it may hurt another person involved. 

However ...

I feel comfortable addressing this particular issue on a general basis. This notion of loving - or feeling an emotional connection to - another ... when a long-time partner is incapacitated, or deceased. 

Is it cheating? Yes? No? 

Hence our title, "The Loneliness of Morality (Part Two): A Love Story" ...


I recently came across some of the most beautiful and inspiring words written by the poet Merrit Malloy. They express, better than can I, the sentiments that my late wife, Anna, and I spoke to each other about during her final days. These words reflect my own views that the death of a loving partner should not end the love affair, but rather take it to a higher plain:


When I die
If you need to weep
Cry for someone
Walking the street beside you.

And when you need me
Put your arms around others
And give them what you need to give me.

You can love me most by letting 
Hands touch hands, and 
Souls touch souls.

You can love me most by
Sharing your joys
Multiplying your good deeds.

You can love me most by
Letting me live in your eyes
And not in your Mind.

And when you say Kaddish (a prayer) for me
Remember that our Torah teaches,
Loved doesn’t die
People do.

So when all that’s left of me is love
Give me away.


As this area of life began to interest me more and more, I naturally began to think about my own situation and what my personal thoughts really were. After all, I had a most remarkable 30-year relationship with Anna, who had passed away just a few months prior to the start of this Book.

She was my beloved, and I shall never again meet anyone like her. 

But do I love again and accept someone new on their own terms? 

Should I love again? 


As I now live in an assisted living center, I am often kidded by friends who ask me how I handle being around so many single women. I would respond, simply, that the thought never enters my mind - which for a long time it did not.

Maybe things now have changed. I'm certainly more open. But ... I'll know it when I get there. 


Here's a joke for you. We'll call it, "The Other Side":

Mary was close to 60 years of age and Joe was in his 70's. They had been married for 35 years. One night, Joe said to Mary, “Do you realize that some 35 years ago I had a low-rent apartment, a small compact car, I slept on my couch and watched a small TV set, and whenever I wanted to I could sleep with a sexy young blonde? Now we have a big home, a king-sized bed, the latest widescreen TV but I am sleeping with a 60 year old blonde. You know, if you go first ..."

Mary thought about this for a moment and then responded by saying, “Sweetheart, I'll haunt you. You go out and find a sexy young blonde and I will see to it that you once again have the low-rent apartment, small car, a couch to sleep on and a small TV ..."

Well, not everyone it seems can accept future affairs of the  heart ...


When I made the decision to move into an assisted living center, the last thing that was on my mind was romance and companionship. Due to my leg problem, walking was difficult. Also, I had just lost my wonderful wife and my life pattern was changing.

And ... because I am still quite independent, I found living among a group of persons who were mostly more confined - whose lives had slowed down for both physical and memory issues - challenging.

I did meet several women with whom I began social relationship, one of which was a bit more involved, but nonetheless each was warm in their own way.

But none of them was Anna. 

As I got more involved, it became harder to maintain these relationships because, as I sadly discovered, even though you have lived a life filled with trusting and loving friendships, when you live in a “closed environment” such as an assisted living center, you become suspect of others' intentions.

It took me some time to realize that instead of trying to blend in, I needed to be myself. Thus, my life at 84 has once again reinvented itself and I continue to grow, as I make new and wonderful relationships throughout my new community.

I believe that Anna’s love, some day, will reside in the heart of another, just as I believe mine may as well. 

It is what she would have wanted for me. 


Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.

THE LONELINESS OF MORALITY, PART ONE: A LOVE STORY

An attractive middle-aged couple is having marital problems. The couple decides to go to a marriage counselor; they walk into the doctor’s office and sit down. The doctor soon enters the room. He asks them a question. The wife, however, immediately goes ballistic. She starts hollering. The doctor stands up, walks over to her, and puts his arms around her as he gives her a very passionate kiss.

He then walks back to his chair and says to the husband, “Your wife needs that at least three times a week.” The husband replies, “Okay. I can have her here Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 3P.M.”

So, as to the title of today's posting, "The Loneliness of Morality: A Love Story" ...

What in the world does that mean? 

How about this? Sometimes, reality is a tough pill to swallow ...

Note that unless the matters discussed in this posting are properly addressed early on, all of the other information presented in my upcoming book, "How to Prepare for Old Age (If You Haven't Married into a Wealthy Family)" will be of little help in resolving life's main issues.

Suffering is a part of life, but needless suffering should never be acceptable. We alone have the power both individually and collectively to take actions that will minimize our trauma, enabling us to move on with enjoying the time we are given. 

Yes, families will always have their differences, jealousies and misunderstandings. If you really think about it, many of the issues that divide us are, in reality, quite petty.  Nevertheless, if we follow our hearts and not our pride you will understand that we truly are responsible for one another.

Here's the crux of the matter: While it is not possible to know when we will suddenly find ourselves, or a family member, struck with such diseases as Parkinson’s, Dementia, Alzheimer’s or any other long-term condition, the effect that it has is devastating to not only to the sufferer, but also the spouse who now becomes a caregiver. In many instances, the love relationship is replaced with loneliness and emotional turmoil ...

What then? 

When the joy of a marriage which has lasted many years come to an end - because of the death of one of the partners, or due to a serious illness such as Ahlzeimer’s - the other spouse finds themselves under the mental and physical strain of dealing with health, financial and other loses which suddenly appear from nowhere (nowhere, that is, if you haven't planned).

And then, the surviving family often needs to take into consideration the possible deterioration of the spouse's health, either as result of the strain of dealing with their partner's issues, or their own aging process.

So here's my challenging question: Where does that leave love? 

My answer: This is where morality comes into play. This is also where, sometimes, pre-conceived notions of such should no longer be considered a simple matter of black and white. 

Ponder the following: 

Your husband or wife has just been diagnosed with a terminal disease. This particular disease, however, has rendered the sufferer helpless, and hopeless. They cannot talk, they cannot fend for themselves, they cannot bathe. 

All of a sudden, the survivor's life alters as we discussed above. 

He or she casually meets someone, in a coffee shop, a place of worship, a store ...

This someone is single. They become friends. The spouse discloses what is going on with his or her life. Feeling a bit better after discussing this sadness, emotions begin to develop between the teller, and the listener. 

They become close. Perhaps they mutually feel a pull to become more than friends. 

After all, they are both, in many senses ... lonely. 

And, by the way, you do not have to be a senior citizen to be in this position. 

Where, then, do they go from here?

To be continued ...

Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.

A FAMILY AFFAIR

Father: Who do you love more, me or Mommy?

Son: I love you both.

Father: Let's say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France. Which country will you go to?

Son: Japan.

Father: So, you love Mommy more than me? 

Son: No, I just want to visit Japan. 

Father: Let's say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France. Which country will you go to?

Son: France.

Father: I knew it!

Son: No, I love my family equally. We'll all need each other for the rest of our lives.

Father: Really? Then why France?

 Son: It's just because I have already visited Japan. 

__________

“I’ll love you forever

I’ll like you for always

As long as I am living

My baby you’ll be”

- Love You Forever

Robert Munsch

Do you get the picture?

Family is everything ...

This blog is one of my more important, and heartfelt. As such, I will be quoting liberally from my upcoming book, "How to Prepare for Old Age (If You Haven't Married into a Wealthy Family)."

Why?

Because as I composed my book, I gave this singular topic a great deal of thought and time. I consider it highly appropriate to share some of those messages here (and, don't worry; you will absolutely still need to purchase the book for the rest - my roadmap for happiness and success as you travel through life's sometimes perilous journey).

So, here we go.

From da book:

If there is one thing that is an overriding issue in life and needs to be constantly addressed, it is family relationships. Nothing causes more pain, suffering and sadness than to have families that are filled with anger, jealousies and little or no communication and trust.

Yes, all of us, this author included, have at times had disagreements or ill feelings with other members of our family, but when you really think about it what can be so terrible as to cause us to throw cold water on those relationships and not be there for each other?

I know of an otherwise outwardly warm family who has several children and grandchildren. One of their daughters has a young son with a mental disability. The daughter and her parents have not spoken for years and thus the disturbed young grandson, let alone the rest of those involved, are deprived of having the love they most need.

How sad.

Consider the following:

On Sunday, July 14, 2013 CNN Reported that the Chinese Government passed a law that requires the families of aging persons living in Care Centers be required to visit their loved ones at least once every two months.

Wow!

Unfortunately, all too often as our loved ones age and our society becomes more mobile, the distances between us leave the elderly alone and sad. The fact is that many families use care centers as de facto “babysitters” for their senior members, as they wait for them to die.

This sad fact places an additional burden on the caregiver, usually a stranger, who nonetheless must now realize and work with the four factors affecting the needs of those in their care:

Many seniors have no children, or are estranged from their children, and thus must rely almost entirely on other close family, or surviving friends, to care for them.

A large portion of seniors have never married, are divorced, or have lost a spouse. This again makes them more dependent on others.

The cost of entering a care facility is increasing at a rapid rate and makes it difficult for them to be able to afford to do so. As ever - as we've discussed in prior blogs - it's all about the planning.

The quality of life for an aging person depends as much on their relationship with loved ones, as it does on their actual physical condition. What aging persons want more than anything else is the feeling of normalcy, knowing that they still play an integral part in and are still part of their family’s activities.

If a caregiver understands the above four factors, the life (lives) of those they care for will be substantially enriched.

Back to the book:

A phone call every day from a family member, or a friend, will always make a huge difference in the happiness of the loved one who receives it, and makes them feel (still) connected.

The opposite, of course, happens when there is no contact between family members. This leads to depression and, often, early death.

What is most sad is that because of petty jealousies, disagreements over lifestyle and religious differences far too many families have drifted apart and have no relationship, just at a time that it is most important for there to be one

I recently had a conversation with an 84 year-old retired successful businessman, who had lost his wife many years ago and had been living on his own until a physical condition forced him to move into an assisted living facility.

He has two children, one who lives close to where he is and one many miles away. He has had an increasingly difficult time physically and his family is most concerned about his health and need for assistance, but he refuses to listen to them. He insists that he can do things on his own, which he obviously cannot.

His stubbornness is placing a severe mental strain on his family, as well as on him because he will not accept the fact that he is now the “child" in the sense that the family dynamics have changed.

As we travel the journey of life we need to be very cognizant of these issues and make decisions with our loved ones well in advance of the time when our capabilities change and we gradually begin to reverse roles.

Once again ... Plan!

Any way you slice it, aging is not easy, just as the journey through life is not easy. We need are families and our families need us. In that sense, the overriding theme of this particular blog entry is simple:

It is time that all family members look in the mirror and ask themselves, “What can I do to bring our family closer together, and discuss ways in we can work to help each other ride out the storms that suffocate us as we proceed through the aging process?”

I promise you, all of your lives - and our lives - will be substantially enriched if you ask that one simple question ...

Bernard ("Bernie") Otis is the author of the upcoming international bestseller, "How To Prepare For Old Age (If You Haven't Married Into A Wealthy Family)". If you have a question or comment, please send me an email to seymour.otis@gmail.com.